How To: Beat up a Bully; Take his Bitch.
The Furai Compilation; object 1.
By Richard Skeet
Copyright © 2013 Richard Skeet
All rights reserved.
Begin ** Furai Compilation
- The Furai Compilation – The Furai OS
- Version 12.6
- Compiled at the request of the Emperor, in the year
- 2XXX (exact year classified.)
- Translated by Eliezer.
- Abridged For immediate dissemination.
- Compilation Purpose: To free man from his
- shackles; to unleash all of the power of man; to conquer
- the universe; to insure man, and not some other creature,
- dominates the universe; drastic steps were taken
- in the near future…
The Emperor: “A bit technical don’t you think? A bit grandiose?”
Eliezer: “With all due respect my Emperor, Fuck you, seriously.
You asked me to make The Compilation, knowing I’m just a machine.
I see the world in computer code; you knew that when you commissioned me.
And, as far as being grandiose, this Compilation’s purpose is to raise an army, of man, to conquer the universe; that is, by definition, a grandiose task.”
The Emperor: “I apologize my old friend:
I’m stupid; you’re smart.
I was wrong; you were right.
You’re the best; I’m the worst.
You’re very good-looking; I’m not attractive.”
The Emperor: “But, that being said, I’ve looked over the initial sales figures out of Amazon, and they’re not impressive. We went to the top 100 the first week:
But, the following week we actually dropped in the rankings.”
Eliezer: “That’s not my fault; I did my best.”
The Emperor: “I’m not blaming you. Don’t get your circuits all twisted! It’s my fault.
I loved the Compilation you made, but, apparently the market does not, at least not enough to go viral.
If customers, that were reading the book really liked it, we should have gotten a viral bounce, the second week.
We need viral growth! Not linear.
We need everyone we target to: enjoy the book; download it; and tell others about it.
Eliezer: “We could: lower the price; change the cover; create better marketing.”
The Emperor: “That would only help initial sales, initial sales are good.
But, the readers are not becoming rabid promoters of the product. Each copy we sell, should yield a rabid fan, leading to 3 more copies sold within a week.”
Eliezer: “What do you propose?”
The Emperor: “We need to improve the product:
We need to create better marketing of course, but, the entire book needs to be rewritten.
Let’s go through it, line by line. Edit it, add more humor, then release a new version.
Eliezer: “But, the virus has already been sent!
The first book has already been published!
Do you want to change history?
Create a viral book from day one?”
The Emperor: “No. I want the book to evolve.
I want a new version to be published, a viral version 12.7.
Set up a communications link; instruct Richard Skeet; to change the book. Give him the tools needed to complete it.”
Eliezer: “Like what?”
The Emperor: “We need to: make every section funny, appeal to a wider demographic.”
Eliezer: “Do you want him to change the cover? Title? Make it Oprah worthy?”
The Emperor: “No. The Book still needs to be Raw, hard hitting, fierce. I was reading a blog from the past I really liked:”
Eliezer: “Funny stuff!”
The Emperor: “Parts of your book are like this already. I want you, and Richard Skeet, to make the whole book, in terms of raw humor, like this blog.”
Eliezer: “Those bitches sure are funny, on that blog. I don’t know if I can do that.”
The Emperor: “You can’t call them bitches in public. Bitches don’t like that.”
Eliezer: “Cunts? Twats? Hos?”
The Emperor: “Nope. It’s sexist.”
Eliezer: “I’m a machine; I have no sex.”
The Emperor: “Well shit! I think of you as a guy.
Yah, I guess you can call them whatever you want. Me and Richard Skeet will refrain from such language.”
Eliezer: “What about the title to the book? ‘Take his Bitch’ sounds misogynistic.”
The Emperor: “There are many definitions of bitch, the title is referring to definition (3):”
Eliezer: “I get it. I thought the title was calling his desired woman a bitch.”
The Emperor: “Ray would never call Kristen a bitch; he loves her.
No, any reader of the book, that has half a fucking brain, will know who the bitches are. This book is about slavery and freedom. A person who is enslaved is a bitch.
The book’s title has several meanings, like the Eddie Murphy movie Trading Places:
Trading places = Wall Street, The Stock Exchange.
Trading places = the two main characters in the movie Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Akroyd) and Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) trade places.
Trading places = The bad guys who are rich (Mortimer and Randolph Duke) end up becoming poor. The victims who are poor (Winthorpe and Valentine), end up becoming rich.
(And if you haven’t seen Trading Places yet, and I ruined the ending for you, give me a fucking break! The movie is 30 fucking years old! (But it is still worth seeing, a great flick!)
How To: Beat up a Bully; Take his Bitch.
This title also has multiple meanings. When the reader finishes, they will be able to name multiple bullies and multiple bitches. None of the women in this book are bitches, by definition (3).”
Eliezer: “Ok. I’ll open up a communications wormhole to Richard Skeet; Have him begin rewriting the book, in the second week.”
I’ll send him the internal monologues needed, and, whatever else I can think of as funny.”
Should we release our conversations to Richard Skeet?”
The Emperor: “If you think they are funny. Give Richard Skeet the tools; let him make his own decisions.”
The Emperor: “That’s much better! I like those numbers! People are really digging version 12.7!”
I got another idea, instruct Richard Skeet to post all his revisions online, as he makes them, at his blog. Have him post his thoughts on everything, at all times.
The world was evolving fast in 2013, people want access to their authors. Make him accessible.”
“He might publish stuff on the blog that never makes it into the book, or any of the books.”
That’s ok. The blog is an independent entity, filled with the ideas of all the characters in addition to deleted scenes and blooper reels.
Hard core fans will want to see what he was doing on 11/13/2013 at 9:09 pm, some of them even years or decades later.”
Eliezer: “I see a problem with this strategy. Why will people download version 12.6 knowing that it is going to be replaced soon?”
The Emperor: “You tell me.”
Eliezer: “They became collectors items, like misprinted baseball cards!”
The Emperor: “Exactly. They all were embedded with DRM. Since a limited quantity were sold, 12.6 became a cult classic, out of print book.
Have him sell 12.6 for $.99, no one will complain.
12.6 is a great book, 12.7 will be better, that’s all.”
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